Dobby has a thing
by Grundig fine arts
Summary: Dobby starts to have a sexual attraction for cats, and Mrs. Norris is his prey
1. Dobby has a thing

He has a "thing"  
"I love you Norri!" Dobby declared squeakily, wiping a tear away from his  
streaming eyes.  
"Meow" Mrs Norris replied slightly miffed; this was the last time she let a  
nasty looking house-elf cry all over her nicely groomed coat. Filch had  
spent ages pampering it this morning.  
"What's new pussy-cat? WOahhh!" Mrs. Norris turned up her nose, and as she  
walked down the corridor her tail swayed pertly behind her.  
Dobby had a "thing" about cats. This wasn't the first time he had burst  
into his rendition of Tom Jones' 'pussy-cat', the song he used to entice  
feline goddesses. Just then a squeaky cry could be heard from behind him.  
Dobby looked around shamefully at his steady girlfriend Winky.  
"Honestly, I can't leave you for a minute!" Winky had her hands on her hips  
"Fool of a Took" she mumbled.  
"Wait Winks I can explain! I, I..." But already, a stream of sobs protruded  
from his heavy eyes. "Do you really want to - hurt - me, do you really want  
to -make-me-cryyyyy...?"  
"Just get back into the kitchen..." Winky said hopelessly.  
Dobby also had a "thing" about songs. He used them all the time, to sum  
up all his feelings. The only problem was he couldn't sing. His voice  
sounded like thousands of drowning sheep, sinking into a bog of despair.  
For instance his attempt at Boy George wouldn't sound out of place at a  
funeral.  
"Don't tell me you've never had feelings for someone else!" Screamed Dobby  
melodramatically, "I know all about a Mr. Gollum, otherwise known as....  
SMEAGOL!" Winky blushed the colour of her Victoria Secret Loincloth. 


	2. Goings on in Dumbledore's office

MEANWHILE..in Dumbledores office. "Squawk!" "Hoot!" "Squawk squawk!"  
"Hoooooooot"  
"Well, my feathered friends, I cannot say I am not shocked at your dirty  
language, in fact I am so offended I may even leave the room!" Dumbledore  
said good-naturedly, peering over his half-moon spectacles, "but Fawks! You  
rascal, I would expect better from you, and Hedwig my friend, I think you  
ought to return to the owlery" saying this, he sounded uncannily like  
Gandalf, which in fact is who his character is based on (p.s I love him).  
At that moment McGonagal came into the room, giving Dumbledore a strange  
'why are you talking to animals again' look.  
"Anyway, Albus, I came to you on a rather urgent matter, Hermione Granger  
has been dating one of the house-elves.I suppose there is nothing really  
wrong about the matter but I do grow worried for the girl and  
well..speaking plainly I am not a fan of." she coughed nervously "inter-  
species breeding."  
"Good God there must be something seriously wrong with her. May I enquire  
as to which particular house-elf this.this erm relationship involves?"  
"I believe it is a new-comer to Hogwarts.Mr...Mr...Dobby."  
"Yes.yes we've had several complaints about that sprightly young  
gentlemen." Mcgonagall noticed a sparkle in his eye as he said this. She,  
however thought this inappropriate, and kept her solemn expression firmly  
in place. "Not. not that elf that keeps pestering dear old Mrs. Norris?  
Filch has made several complaints about him."  
"Yes.he's always been suspicious of her admirers." Said Dumbledore with a  
chuckle. 


	3. Winky and her mucus ball

Winky and her mucus ball (by Maia)  
Dobby sat lifelessly in his little wooden chair, singing softly (well,  
truthfully Dobby never sings softly, in fact this particular song sounded  
like the cheeky girls being strangled)  
"All...by...my...sel-e-elf...."When Dobby sang a song, he not only sang the  
lyrics but modestly screeched the percussion as well "All BY MA- you should  
note that this note in itself could burst any normal person's ear-drum,  
luckily there were no normal people about.  
"What is it now?" Winky said despondently  
"Oh...nothing" Dobby replied dreamily "It's just that.... I'm ALL BY  
MYSELF"  
Winky winced  
"I have something to tell you Dobby"  
"Yes, my love?"  
"I'm, I'm Pregnant"  
Dobby burst into tears. He was an emotional house-elf.  
Unlike humans, The gestation period for a house-elf is 10 months. Though in  
this instance Winky left telling Dobby until the last minute, It was for  
his own good.  
It must of been the constant slur of song after song that finally pushed  
Winky into Labour, although personally I think it was Kelly Osbourne's  
"changes" possibly the worst song ever made, well, after Dobby had finished  
with it anyway.  
After 10 minutes of huffing and puffing Winky finally gave birth to a  
healthy grey mucus-ball, Dobby sang "baby love".  
There was some confusion as to what gender the baby belonged to. As it  
turned out Winky had expected a girl but unfortunately got the lesser sex,  
which cancelled out any chances of calling her 'Britney' (a name favoured  
by Dobby). As expected there was now some disagreement as to what the baby  
should be named, luckily Harry Potter was there to sort it out with his  
trusty name book.  
"What about MacLeod?" Harry said slyly "It means 'son of an ugly man'"  
Dobby couldn't believe what he was hearing, a tear rolled down his ugly  
cheek.  
"I think Leslie, or Jonathan" he said reasonably, "What about Justin? Or  
just JT? Oh, cry me a river, oh cry me a rivvvvver, oh cry me a ? "  
"Look just shut-up, ok?" Harry wasn't usually that mean, but frankly  
Dobby's voice sounded like an orchestra of vomiting sea gulls, in fact he  
got more talent out of Crookshanks while he was throttling her.  
In the end he was named 'Cheche' which meant 'thing' (though after actually  
seeing the infant, Harry tried to persuade Winky to rename it 'Admah' -  
'Earthy, red, bloody thing')  
After 6 months of nurture the child said it's first words... "My  
precious..." 


	4. My precious

My Precious.  
Cheche grew up to be an utter nuisance. Not only did he (though the house-  
elf community were having serious doubts about it's sexuality) refuse to  
wear his pillow case, but he'd stolen Harry Potter's leather g-string and  
no matter how hard they tried they couldn't get it off him. The only word  
(despite countless sessions of speech therapy,) that they could get out of  
him was "Precious!!!!!!" and this was grumbled/growled in such a deep  
vicious half whisper that anyone near him at the time stepped at least two  
paces back. Dobby didn't dare go near him, ever since he had bitten off his  
ring-finger and gone "Phrugh!!!!!!" spitting vehemently "PR-ECI-  
OUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He had had serious doubts about Cheche parentage.  
Cheche refused to be breast fed (which Winky was somewhat relieved about)  
and after desperately trying to find at least one thing he liked, had found  
the freezer door wide open and the whole Hogwart's fish-supply for that  
evening, missing. After discovering this they had found him in a secluded  
classroom chewing ferociously on a raw fish.  
One day as Winky was doing her best at arms-length to entice Cheche with a  
brussel sprout, there came an unexpected knock on the kitchen door. Cheche  
threw a fish bone at it mumbling something along the lines of his precious.  
"Precious?"  
Winky stopped dead, staring at the door with eyes so wide that they took up  
almost half of her small face. After creeping surreptitiously towards it  
she took a deep breath (choking a little on the fishy atmosphere)  
"Gol--Smeagol??" she opened the door and out of it tumbled the scrawny  
wretch Gollum. He stared seriously at her for a couple of seconds and then  
said "Precious?" That was what he used to call her. She had longed for  
these  
words. But he was no longer looking at her. She looked at him, horrified as  
he cradled baby Cheche between his large bony fingers. For the first time  
Cheche's little almost baby-like features relaxed into a smile.  
"Precious"  
"Precious?"  
"Precious!" They stared at each other intently; Winky noticed the  
similarities. She was just about to break into a sigh when.  
"Gollum Gollum," Gollum coughed up a nasty grey sludge, Cheche giggled.  
Baby Cheche, maybe as some sort of reply to his father's example (though  
probably due to Winky's force-feeding) threw up a lumpy green mush  
(undoubtedly a brussel sprout.) Then they embraced each other in a bony but  
affectionate hug. 


End file.
